Being labeled as the family scapegoat or black sheep can significantly impact an individual’s mental health and well-being. Research in this area has explored various dimensions, including psychological outcomes, family dynamics, and resilience strategies employed by those affected. Let's delve into this complex issue and uncover ways to overcome it.
My Personal Story:
Since my early years, I remember the constant feeling of being out of place, unable to do anything "right" in the eyes of my family. I often called out the unfair and abusive behaviors of family members, only to be branded a liar and lose credibility. This early rejection led to a deep-seated feeling of discontent at home, driving me to spend as much time as possible outside.
At 16, I left my mother's house, seeking refuge with my father and stepmother. Unfortunately, this became another cycle of controlling and abusive behavior. Desperate for an escape, I ended up with the first available man who, despite being older and abusive, offered a semblance of an escape because he had a flat. The cycle of abuse continued with my first husband, who was both abusive and unfaithful. The ultimate betrayal came when my entire family took his side after our separation. They believed his version of the events and disregarded my story and feelings, leaving me alone.
Further abusive relationships followed, one of which led to my arrest. A family member who was a police officer I was not in contact with, betrayed me by contacting my abuser and offering him information. This not only put me in a dangerous situation but also represented an abuse of power on her part. I was left feeling vulnerable and exposed, a victim of the very people who were supposed to protect me.
The same family member concocted a story about me shouting at her in a public place, with my young baby in tow. My family didn't believe me when I refuted her claim, despite not even recognizing her due to her dramatic physical changes since childhood. Throughout this time, my family would try to contact my young daughter behind my back, adding to the constant harassment and bullying I was experiencing. My side of the story was never listened to, and I was constantly gaslit. Despite all this, I found myself repeatedly drawn back into the toxic family environment, hoping for a change that never came.
I was always the scapegoat, primarily because I refused to be part of the family drama. There are numerous stories from these years, enough to fill a book. However, my intention in sharing this aspect of my life isn't to dwell on the past but to shed light on what emotional and controlling coercive abuse looks like. It's crucial to realize that people in power, such as police, teachers, and adults we encounter as children, are not always the safe figures they are portrayed to be and the ability for us to ask for help sometimes is just not that easy.
The Dynamics of Scapegoating:
From a young age, I was a very creative child with a vivid imagination. I knew what I wanted and where I wanted to go, but my family’s dysfunction stood in the way. The scapegoating ramped up considerably as a teenager, characterized by constant criticism and blame.
As I entered middle age, the impact of being scapegoated became more evident in my professional and personal life. The years of internalized blame and rejection had chipped away at my self-esteem, making it difficult to assert myself in work environments. I often found myself second-guessing my abilities and avoiding opportunities for advancement, fearing failure or further criticism. Additionally, the lingering effects of family-induced anxiety and depression influenced my relationships, causing me to struggle with trust and vulnerability. It took considerable effort and self-reflection to recognize these patterns and begin the process of healing and self-empowerment.
The Psychological Impact:
Research by Vignando and Bizumic (2023) found that perceived parental narcissism leads to anxiety and depression in children via scapegoating, with both direct and indirect effects contributing to these outcomes. This aligns with my personal experiences of feeling anxious and depressed due to the relentless bullying and rejection from my family.
Family Dynamics and Role Identification:
Zagefka et al. (2020) explored the roles individuals adopt within their family of origin, such as hero, scapegoat, lost child, and how these roles relate to family dysfunction and depressive symptoms later in life. My role as the scapegoat significantly shaped my identity and influenced my interactions with others, leading to further isolation and low self-esteem.
Marginalization and Resilience:
Research by Elizabeth Dorrance Hall (2018) delves into how marginalized family members (i.e., “black sheep”) enact resilience through strategies such as seeking support from communication networks, creating and negotiating boundaries, and living authentically despite disapproval. Despite the constant harassment, I found solace in external support networks and developed a rather good sense of resilience.
Recognizing the Signs of Scapegoating
Common Indicators:
Constant Blame: You are frequently blamed for problems within the family.
Criticism: You receive disproportionate criticism compared to other family members.
Isolation: You feel isolated and excluded from family activities.
Emotional Abuse: You experience emotional or verbal abuse.
Gaslighting: Your feelings and experiences are dismissed or denied.
6 Steps to Overcoming Family Scapegoating
Recognize the Signs: Identify common indicators of scapegoating.
Understand the Impact: Acknowledge the emotional and psychological effects.
Evaluate Relationships: Assess the dynamics of your family interactions.
Seek Support: Build a network of professional and personal support.
Establish Boundaries: Create and communicate safe boundaries.
Reclaim Your Identity: Focus on personal growth and authentic living.
Further Solutions:
Recognizing the Pattern: Understanding the dynamics at play is crucial. Acknowledging that scapegoating is not your fault is the first step toward healing, this part was something I had a very difficult time in realising.
Going No Contact: Sometimes, the only way to protect your mental health is to distance yourself from toxic family members. This can be a difficult but necessary decision.
Seeking Professional Help: Therapy and support groups can provide guidance and support in navigating the complexities of family scapegoating.
Being scapegoated does not define your life—even if you only realize this in midlife. It’s never too late to reclaim your identity and live authentically.
If you have been ostracized from your family of origin and are struggling with your identity and well-being, remember that you are not alone. Reach out for support, educate yourself about family dynamics, and take proactive steps to regain control of your life. Your journey towards understanding and self-acceptance starts today.
My goal is to help people who have been ostracized from their family of origin gain control over their life and emotional well-being. My personal experience of being scapegoated from a young age, compounded by continued bullying and rejection, has shown me the importance of understanding family dynamics and seeking support. I aim to share insights, research, and strategies to empower others facing similar challenges.
Love
❤️
Angela
References:
Vignando, F., & Bizumic, B. (2023). The impact of perceived parental narcissism on anxiety and depression in children.
Zagefka, H., et al. (2020). Roles within family dysfunction and depressive symptoms.
Hall, E. D. (2018). Resilience strategies among marginalized family members.
Rullo, M., et al. (2015). The black sheep effect and social identity.
Steain, G., et al. (2019). The psychological impact of family dynamics.
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